So hubby and i have been trying for about 6 months to get pregnant. It took 2.5 years to get pregnant last time, and i assumed it would take a long time again. I have been seeing my endo for 2 months to get my hormones back on track and get back on my medications. She gave me blood work to do at certain times of my cycles (if i get to them).
So i went this week to have blood work done at peak plus 17, even though i was 97.5% sure i wasn't pregnant. Well tonight i had a call from my endo to tell me i had a positive HCG test, but that the numbers were so low it wasn't sustainable. I didn't fully understand so she told me that i had had an early miscarriage or what doctors call a chemical pregnancy.
I am numb. I am sad, but don't know fully how to feel. I feel like i should be sadder. I have been so overwhelmingly sad the past few weeks with my daughter going to daycare and me going back to work that i have been crying every day. I got a bit teary on the phone with my endo, but have pretty much held it together since. Although i do feel like i am in shock. I just feel numb more then anything else. It's like my brain and my heart just can't handle any more. I am sure when i actually process this i will grieve, but it just feels surreal right now.
Oh and to top it off tomorrow is my 35th birthday. Normally i don't care about age, but with trying to get pregnant it is a fairly scary milestone.
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So hubby decided to "help out" for the first time in FOREVER!!!
He consistently tells me that he doesn't remember how to do anything and that is why he can't help. So when he does try and help and does things that are wrong (i know that sounds judgy but it is important to me that my daughters dishes are sterilized properly and not hand dried with a gross tea towel!) and i tell him that they need to be done differently he gets super frustrated.
What, am i supposed to give him a friggin medal just because he makes an effort? Even if that effort means i have to do it all again later in a more time consuming way then if it was done right the first time? If he had just asked the question i could have quickly told him how to do it the correct way. The way it has been done every single day for the last 6 months, if he had been paying ANY attention....
He consistently tells me that he doesn't remember how to do anything and that is why he can't help. So when he does try and help and does things that are wrong (i know that sounds judgy but it is important to me that my daughters dishes are sterilized properly and not hand dried with a gross tea towel!) and i tell him that they need to be done differently he gets super frustrated.
What, am i supposed to give him a friggin medal just because he makes an effort? Even if that effort means i have to do it all again later in a more time consuming way then if it was done right the first time? If he had just asked the question i could have quickly told him how to do it the correct way. The way it has been done every single day for the last 6 months, if he had been paying ANY attention....
Sunday, 19 August 2012
overwhelmed
So its been a while. A long month or so of prepping Baby A for daycare, prepping me for back to work and trying to hold up the shattered remains of my family life.
Baby A started daycare part time and so far is doing ok, except not sleeping. I still cry every day when i drop her off, but she for the most part is good. This week will be hard as i am putting her in for 4 days. heartbreaking :( .
My family have been pretty sucky. Didn't call to wish me luck about Baby A's daycare, even when i had been sobbing on the phone with my mum the week before. Just in general being shitty people. My sister is still for all intents and purposes not speaking to me. Still haven't figured out how i have "wronged" her, but i am sure i did something horribly wrong in her eyes. Husband is losing his mind and slowly dragging me down with him. he doesn't understand how hard all of this is for me to deal with. Friends seem to be getting sick of my constant negativity (and i don't blame them). Every time i talk to them now it is about something shitty going on in my life. Have been trying to figure out a part time back to work option but that doesn't seem to be working out either. Which might be a blessing as hubby will likely be taking a mental health sabbatical, so we really need my money. Not that i don't need my own mental health sabbatical! I am clearly not strong enough to do everything for everyone!!
And i have ended my therapy sessions. Not great timing, but with going back to work there won't be time to do it.
I feel like i am losing it and my eye twitch is making a comeback.
So why did i call this blog wittymum again? I swear i used to be witty and i will be one day in the future, just too much to deal with right now.
Baby A started daycare part time and so far is doing ok, except not sleeping. I still cry every day when i drop her off, but she for the most part is good. This week will be hard as i am putting her in for 4 days. heartbreaking :( .
My family have been pretty sucky. Didn't call to wish me luck about Baby A's daycare, even when i had been sobbing on the phone with my mum the week before. Just in general being shitty people. My sister is still for all intents and purposes not speaking to me. Still haven't figured out how i have "wronged" her, but i am sure i did something horribly wrong in her eyes. Husband is losing his mind and slowly dragging me down with him. he doesn't understand how hard all of this is for me to deal with. Friends seem to be getting sick of my constant negativity (and i don't blame them). Every time i talk to them now it is about something shitty going on in my life. Have been trying to figure out a part time back to work option but that doesn't seem to be working out either. Which might be a blessing as hubby will likely be taking a mental health sabbatical, so we really need my money. Not that i don't need my own mental health sabbatical! I am clearly not strong enough to do everything for everyone!!
And i have ended my therapy sessions. Not great timing, but with going back to work there won't be time to do it.
I feel like i am losing it and my eye twitch is making a comeback.
So why did i call this blog wittymum again? I swear i used to be witty and i will be one day in the future, just too much to deal with right now.
Monday, 9 July 2012
nausea
Just got off the phone from the daycare planning Baby A's first day and burst into tears.
How the hell am i supposed to actually leave her there? This sucks even more then i ever thought it could.
How the hell am i supposed to actually leave her there? This sucks even more then i ever thought it could.
Monday, 25 June 2012
frustration
Have you ever wanted to literally step in someone else's shoes and get them to do what they should already be doing?
My husband is a great guy. We were friends for years before we dated, and dated for years before we married. Throughout most of this time he has had depression. Like serious depression.
I have supported him financially, emotionally, physically and mentally through this time. And i am starting to get to the end of my rope. His depression has seemed to get worse after our daughter was born and a few weeks ago he was making some fairly serious threats to hurt himself.
I have asked him so many times to go for therapy (he is in a waiting line for a psychiatrist and on medication at the moment, but won't try anything else). I gave him the website of a clinic that has therapists that meet right by his work and i also gave him a crisis hotline so he could call a professional if he was having those feelings. I even suggested we go straight to the emergency room to see if they would admit him, but nothing.
He has finally called the therapists and is sort of in the process of figuring that out. But i doubt he will follow through unless i force him too.
I can't even look him in the eye right now. It sounds horrible and selfish but i am just so hurt by his recent comments. He not only said he would kill himself and leave me and out daughter alone because we "would be better off without him", but he also said we shouldn't have any more babies since he didn't want to pass along the depression gene. If you have read any of my other entries you know we are trying to have another baby. Like the night he made his threats we should have been having sex as it was my peak night.
I am just so hurt. In addition to the fear of losing him and living with that the rest of my life and the rest of Baby A's life, the one thing i have wanted and worked so hard for and he would take that away. I keep telling him to try alternative therapies to help with his depression, but he doesn't even bother. He says he has tried everything (which he certainly has not).
I just said to him that i think that is bullshit. Especially once you have a kid. You have to keep trying and trying and fight every second of every day to feel better. That is what i do.
His father had depression and his mother left when they had been married for 25 years. I never understood how she could leave her husband and her children. But now i am starting to get it a bit more (although i would never leave my kids. Not for anything. But I would take her/them with me if it got that horrendous).
He is just stagnating. Not finishing school, not looking for a job, not even talking to his boss to confirm the end date of his current contract so we know when we no longer have money coming in. He doesn't get it, and it is literally going to destroy my life.
Again i know i sound selfish, but it is the reality of the situation. If he doesn't get help, or let me help him get help, then we are fucked.
My husband is a great guy. We were friends for years before we dated, and dated for years before we married. Throughout most of this time he has had depression. Like serious depression.
I have supported him financially, emotionally, physically and mentally through this time. And i am starting to get to the end of my rope. His depression has seemed to get worse after our daughter was born and a few weeks ago he was making some fairly serious threats to hurt himself.
I have asked him so many times to go for therapy (he is in a waiting line for a psychiatrist and on medication at the moment, but won't try anything else). I gave him the website of a clinic that has therapists that meet right by his work and i also gave him a crisis hotline so he could call a professional if he was having those feelings. I even suggested we go straight to the emergency room to see if they would admit him, but nothing.
He has finally called the therapists and is sort of in the process of figuring that out. But i doubt he will follow through unless i force him too.
I can't even look him in the eye right now. It sounds horrible and selfish but i am just so hurt by his recent comments. He not only said he would kill himself and leave me and out daughter alone because we "would be better off without him", but he also said we shouldn't have any more babies since he didn't want to pass along the depression gene. If you have read any of my other entries you know we are trying to have another baby. Like the night he made his threats we should have been having sex as it was my peak night.
I am just so hurt. In addition to the fear of losing him and living with that the rest of my life and the rest of Baby A's life, the one thing i have wanted and worked so hard for and he would take that away. I keep telling him to try alternative therapies to help with his depression, but he doesn't even bother. He says he has tried everything (which he certainly has not).
I just said to him that i think that is bullshit. Especially once you have a kid. You have to keep trying and trying and fight every second of every day to feel better. That is what i do.
His father had depression and his mother left when they had been married for 25 years. I never understood how she could leave her husband and her children. But now i am starting to get it a bit more (although i would never leave my kids. Not for anything. But I would take her/them with me if it got that horrendous).
He is just stagnating. Not finishing school, not looking for a job, not even talking to his boss to confirm the end date of his current contract so we know when we no longer have money coming in. He doesn't get it, and it is literally going to destroy my life.
Again i know i sound selfish, but it is the reality of the situation. If he doesn't get help, or let me help him get help, then we are fucked.
Friday, 22 June 2012
The list
Things i have tried in order to have a baby (in no particular order)
And now we are starting again. Wishing, hoping and praying that it doesn't take as long or as much out of me this time.
I am much more hopeful now as i have seen that my body can do it. My beautiful baby is proof. And i am on the same medication as before, so hopefully my body will kick right in and make this all easier.
(side note to the friend that got pregnant on their first try and complained to me about "those long 6 weeks waiting to confirm the pregnancy" ummmmm read this list again and see if you get why i went silent when you said that.)
- Reiki
- Acupuncture every week
- Special herbal teas from the acupuncturist that i had to drink every night that tasted like sweet death
- psychic healing (including putting a powdery substance created by a spiritual healer on my tongue and envisioning the baby i hoped to have every morning and wearing jewelry that was meant to bring me luck and hope)
- medication to regulate cycle
- cervical fluid enhancer
- cough medicine (look it up)
- evening primrose
- ayurvedic therapy
- diet
- exercise
- tai chi for stress relief and exercise
- cycle tracking
- endocrinologist
- reading a million books on fertility
- praying (which is weird when you aren't particularly religious)
- therapy
- trying not to think about it
- thinking about it too much
- not taking hardly any pain medication for my fibromyalgia, or drinking for 2 years as i could be pregnant "at any time"
- laying down for 30 minutes after intercourse, every time, with a pillow under my ass
- taking my temperature every morning as soon as i woke up for 2 years
- vaginal progesterone suppositories
- other hormones that made me crazy that had to be taken at set times every day
- and almost clomid. But once i had the prescription in my wallet i got pregnant
And now we are starting again. Wishing, hoping and praying that it doesn't take as long or as much out of me this time.
I am much more hopeful now as i have seen that my body can do it. My beautiful baby is proof. And i am on the same medication as before, so hopefully my body will kick right in and make this all easier.
(side note to the friend that got pregnant on their first try and complained to me about "those long 6 weeks waiting to confirm the pregnancy" ummmmm read this list again and see if you get why i went silent when you said that.)
Thursday, 21 June 2012
fear and loathing (or at least not particularly liking...)
So i find myself at a crossroads.
I have stumbled through my career up to this point working my way in to a tight little corner.
I neither like my job, nor am i particularly good at it. But it does pay well.
I have been on maternity leave for the better part of a year and considering going back to my job is making me physically ill.
Leaving my daughter in the arms of someone else is the worst possible thing i can think of. I waited so long for her, and worked so hard to get pregnant and now i have to hand her off to someone else who will get to see her every day. I will only get to see her in the evenings and morning. I know, i know this is how everyone with kids is nowadays, but it doesn't make it right.
My husband suffers from depression and also is not happy in his job. He is still in the process of working his way up to being a full time smartypants, but is currently a fellow. This has been about 12 years in the making, with me supporting him (financially, emotionally, etc....) for 10 of those years. Now he tells me he doesn't want to do this anymore. That instead he wants to go and clean up the field after baseball games. Fun times, but how will that support us? It is, as always, all about him. Why can't it be about me for a change? Why can't i be the one that gets to go back to school, or that gets to stay home and raise our baby? When is it my turn? When will he be the grown up?
And my health isn't great. I could really do with working part time at a job that isn't a sitting down job.
I thought marrying someone who was on track to be a fully qualified smarty pants would mean that EVENTUALLY he would be the one bringing in the money. I always had hopes for the future, but now he is throwing them away.
What do i do? He is making it all about his depression, again, but isn't doing anything to get better.
Just because he has a mental illness doesn't make me any healthier.
So confused/frustrated/scared.
I have stumbled through my career up to this point working my way in to a tight little corner.
I neither like my job, nor am i particularly good at it. But it does pay well.
I have been on maternity leave for the better part of a year and considering going back to my job is making me physically ill.
Leaving my daughter in the arms of someone else is the worst possible thing i can think of. I waited so long for her, and worked so hard to get pregnant and now i have to hand her off to someone else who will get to see her every day. I will only get to see her in the evenings and morning. I know, i know this is how everyone with kids is nowadays, but it doesn't make it right.
My husband suffers from depression and also is not happy in his job. He is still in the process of working his way up to being a full time smartypants, but is currently a fellow. This has been about 12 years in the making, with me supporting him (financially, emotionally, etc....) for 10 of those years. Now he tells me he doesn't want to do this anymore. That instead he wants to go and clean up the field after baseball games. Fun times, but how will that support us? It is, as always, all about him. Why can't it be about me for a change? Why can't i be the one that gets to go back to school, or that gets to stay home and raise our baby? When is it my turn? When will he be the grown up?
And my health isn't great. I could really do with working part time at a job that isn't a sitting down job.
I thought marrying someone who was on track to be a fully qualified smarty pants would mean that EVENTUALLY he would be the one bringing in the money. I always had hopes for the future, but now he is throwing them away.
What do i do? He is making it all about his depression, again, but isn't doing anything to get better.
Just because he has a mental illness doesn't make me any healthier.
So confused/frustrated/scared.
Monday, 18 June 2012
and so it begins...
So I have an appointment tomorrow with my Endocrinologist.
I am so nervous.
It is my first appointment since having Baby A and my cycle has been all over the place.
I have been trying to do everything to prepare myself for the appointment...
I am hoping she will put me back on metformin and start me on the other hormones i was taking. I am turning 35 this summer and i really want to try and have another baby as soon as possible.
The problem is, she is a huge bitch. She was so super rude to me when i was seeing her in the past. Her attitude towards me got better when i got pregnant (she took full credit). Her secretary is a bitch too. When i called to schedule this appointment (3 months ago) she asked me why i couldn't see my family Dr or gynecologist instead. Ummm maybe because i have an endo and she is supposed to be the specialist!
Why do Dr's suck soooo much?
Anyway i just needed to get some of the nervous energy out of me.
Oh and to make me even more nervous, i have to bring Baby A with me and the appointment is exactly at her lunch time.
Balls.
I am so nervous.
It is my first appointment since having Baby A and my cycle has been all over the place.
I have been trying to do everything to prepare myself for the appointment...
- cycle tracking
- limiting to a 1500 calorie a day Low GI diet
- taking PGX and drinking loads of water
- exercising 40+ minutes a day
I am hoping she will put me back on metformin and start me on the other hormones i was taking. I am turning 35 this summer and i really want to try and have another baby as soon as possible.
The problem is, she is a huge bitch. She was so super rude to me when i was seeing her in the past. Her attitude towards me got better when i got pregnant (she took full credit). Her secretary is a bitch too. When i called to schedule this appointment (3 months ago) she asked me why i couldn't see my family Dr or gynecologist instead. Ummm maybe because i have an endo and she is supposed to be the specialist!
Why do Dr's suck soooo much?
Anyway i just needed to get some of the nervous energy out of me.
Oh and to make me even more nervous, i have to bring Baby A with me and the appointment is exactly at her lunch time.
Balls.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
From PCOS to Pregnant
So yes i have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome). I read on another blog that it should be POS (piece of sh*t) and that made me laugh out loud.
Basically as far as i understand this means i have cysts in my ovaries that make having a baby very difficult - amongst other things. I don't ovulate every month, and no ovulation means no baby.
I actually got to see my cysts during a procedure that i have blocked the name of in my memory as it was so painful. They inserted a catheter with a camera and a balloon into my uterus (i think) and inflated it so they could see the cysts on a screen. They let me see them too. It was weird and heartbreaking and like an out of body experience watching them in there.
I should have seen this coming. I had a cyst burst on my ovary at 14 and again at 24. So i feel like i should be looking over my shoulder now, seeing as i am 34....
I also had lots of other gross symptoms. Unexplained weight gain - almost 100 pounds in 15 years (that is a person!!), hair where you don't want it, depression, etc.
But i was on birth control pills and this made my periods regular so none of the doctors i complained to picked up on it.
And boy did i complain.
I kept going in and asking why I was gaining weight. I have Fibromyalgia (will get into that in another post) and this makes exercising vigorously very hard. So basically the dr's just kept telling me that i had to eat better and exercise more. Basically insinuating that i was eating copious amounts of food and lying to them about it. I started to cry out of frustration at one doctor's appointment and this prompted her to say i was depressed and gave me anti depressants. ummm thanks.
Not that they don't work for some people, but i had been avoiding taking a daily medication due to some horrible experiences with medication from fibromyalgia, so i didn't really want to be on an anti depressant when that wasn't the issue.
Well flash forward a few years and my new husband and i decided to have a baby. We had wanted one for a while but were waiting for when we were married. Mainly to make our families happy, and because we figured if we had a baby first we wouldn't be able to afford a wedding.
So once my cycle ended after my wedding i went off birth control. And that is when things started to go wrong. My first cycle was 35 days long. My next one was 64. then 16. And on, and on and on. I went to a new family doctor after 7 months of this. She said it sounded like PCOS and started me on metformin and ordered a glucose test.
Now i don't know if its just me but i don't mind the glucose drink! Reminds me of the orange drink that McDonalds used to supply at school sporting events. Just missing the waxy paper cup.
Anyway once on metformin I immediately lost 30 pounds. My doctor asked me what i was doing different and i said it was just the metformin coupled with my usual relatively healthy lifestyle. She seemed shocked by the weight loss. I was thrilled, of course. However this did nothing to regulate my periods.
I was then referred to an endocrinologist. Man she is a bitch!
She put me on a whole whack of hormones to try and balance things out. And she kept insisting i go to do this cycle monitoring course that is sponsored through a church. I refused as it cost a fortune and i had already been tracking my cycle for a year at this point (cervical fluid, basal body temperature, etc). She was very insistent. At every appointment she pushed it.
In the meantime she gave me dexamethasone, progesterone suppositories (yep!), metformin still and vitamins. I feel like i am forgetting something. I also tried random other treatments. But i will get into those in another post as well.
Every month getting my period was horrible as every month i was convinced i was pregnant. I mourned my sweet baby every single month.
Well after another year of trying we finally went and did the church tracking and low and behold 2 cycles later i was pregnant.
Not because of anything they did (sitting in a church meeting room and looking at pictures of cervical fluid isn't the aphrodisiac it sounds like). It was just a coincidence. And a build up of the hormones in my system. And the fact that we decided to take that month off of seriously trying so i was more relaxed. The previous month had been horrendous. I was convinced i was pregnant and then a friend accidentally got pregnant and told us the day i got my period. It was devestating.
Also i had finally convinced my endo to give me clomid which stimulates ovulation. I was refusing to fill the prescription until i got my period and it turns out i didn't need to. All i needed was that damn prescription paper in my wallet!
Well we got the good news the monday before christmas. Best. gift. ever.
This has spiraled into the story of how i got pregnant, but basically i just want people with PCOS to know there is hope. I had almost given up, but we now have a happy healthy beautiful little girl and i have hope that i will be able to do it again.
Hope is incredibly powerful.
Basically as far as i understand this means i have cysts in my ovaries that make having a baby very difficult - amongst other things. I don't ovulate every month, and no ovulation means no baby.
I actually got to see my cysts during a procedure that i have blocked the name of in my memory as it was so painful. They inserted a catheter with a camera and a balloon into my uterus (i think) and inflated it so they could see the cysts on a screen. They let me see them too. It was weird and heartbreaking and like an out of body experience watching them in there.
I should have seen this coming. I had a cyst burst on my ovary at 14 and again at 24. So i feel like i should be looking over my shoulder now, seeing as i am 34....
I also had lots of other gross symptoms. Unexplained weight gain - almost 100 pounds in 15 years (that is a person!!), hair where you don't want it, depression, etc.
But i was on birth control pills and this made my periods regular so none of the doctors i complained to picked up on it.
And boy did i complain.
I kept going in and asking why I was gaining weight. I have Fibromyalgia (will get into that in another post) and this makes exercising vigorously very hard. So basically the dr's just kept telling me that i had to eat better and exercise more. Basically insinuating that i was eating copious amounts of food and lying to them about it. I started to cry out of frustration at one doctor's appointment and this prompted her to say i was depressed and gave me anti depressants. ummm thanks.
Not that they don't work for some people, but i had been avoiding taking a daily medication due to some horrible experiences with medication from fibromyalgia, so i didn't really want to be on an anti depressant when that wasn't the issue.
Well flash forward a few years and my new husband and i decided to have a baby. We had wanted one for a while but were waiting for when we were married. Mainly to make our families happy, and because we figured if we had a baby first we wouldn't be able to afford a wedding.
So once my cycle ended after my wedding i went off birth control. And that is when things started to go wrong. My first cycle was 35 days long. My next one was 64. then 16. And on, and on and on. I went to a new family doctor after 7 months of this. She said it sounded like PCOS and started me on metformin and ordered a glucose test.
Now i don't know if its just me but i don't mind the glucose drink! Reminds me of the orange drink that McDonalds used to supply at school sporting events. Just missing the waxy paper cup.
Anyway once on metformin I immediately lost 30 pounds. My doctor asked me what i was doing different and i said it was just the metformin coupled with my usual relatively healthy lifestyle. She seemed shocked by the weight loss. I was thrilled, of course. However this did nothing to regulate my periods.
I was then referred to an endocrinologist. Man she is a bitch!
She put me on a whole whack of hormones to try and balance things out. And she kept insisting i go to do this cycle monitoring course that is sponsored through a church. I refused as it cost a fortune and i had already been tracking my cycle for a year at this point (cervical fluid, basal body temperature, etc). She was very insistent. At every appointment she pushed it.
In the meantime she gave me dexamethasone, progesterone suppositories (yep!), metformin still and vitamins. I feel like i am forgetting something. I also tried random other treatments. But i will get into those in another post as well.
Every month getting my period was horrible as every month i was convinced i was pregnant. I mourned my sweet baby every single month.
Well after another year of trying we finally went and did the church tracking and low and behold 2 cycles later i was pregnant.
Not because of anything they did (sitting in a church meeting room and looking at pictures of cervical fluid isn't the aphrodisiac it sounds like). It was just a coincidence. And a build up of the hormones in my system. And the fact that we decided to take that month off of seriously trying so i was more relaxed. The previous month had been horrendous. I was convinced i was pregnant and then a friend accidentally got pregnant and told us the day i got my period. It was devestating.
Also i had finally convinced my endo to give me clomid which stimulates ovulation. I was refusing to fill the prescription until i got my period and it turns out i didn't need to. All i needed was that damn prescription paper in my wallet!
Well we got the good news the monday before christmas. Best. gift. ever.
This has spiraled into the story of how i got pregnant, but basically i just want people with PCOS to know there is hope. I had almost given up, but we now have a happy healthy beautiful little girl and i have hope that i will be able to do it again.
Hope is incredibly powerful.
Do I really want you in my life?
OK that sounds super negative but i am not a negative person.
My sister is a very difficult person to get along with. She is mean spirited, hard on her daughter, opinionated and just plain rude.
We have a long history of not getting along and things have gone crazy the past few months. On her birthday she was complaining that her young daughter didn’t do enough for her (meaning her ex-husband didn’t do enough for her), that one friend bought her too big of a gift and that another only took her out to lunch and didn’t get her a card. I always try and play the devil’s advocate as my sister does not see how many good things are in her life and doesn’t appreciate the simple things, only the monetary, tangible items. I sent her a nice gift box of specialty teas for her birthday, but you could tell that she didn’t like it when she spat out at the end of the conversation “oh and THANKS for the gift”. I am on maternity leave, my husband makes very little money so money is very tight. Plus i had to mail it to her that costs $10 extra, but she doesn’t see that.
Apparently after our conversation she called our mum to bitch about me and say i wasn’t being very sympathetic to her. Well no i wasn’t because she was being irrational. I was sympathetic at the beginning of the conversation but she beat me down. Anyway this was 2 months ago. Since then i have called her once, she has never called me. I emailed pictures of Baby A and she didn’t even respond to say thanks, or how cute they are. I tagged her on Facebook in the pictures as well and i can see she has been on facebook since then, but still no comment.
When her daughter was born 5 years ago i was all over her. Would do anything for her and wanted to see her all the time. I still do. But i can’t handle my sister. I have no desire to call her at all, but want to speak with my niece. That poor child has no hope in this life with her crazy parents. I wanted to be her one example of sanity and pure love with no conditions, but i can’t even speak to her.
It will be my daughters birthday on a long weekend this summer and i texted my sister to see if she would have her daughter that weekend and she said yes she would, but that she couldn’t commit to coming to Baby A’s birthday party (this is literally months in advance!!). I wouldn’t have missed her daughters birthday party for anything in the world. When she was sick when her daughter was a baby, i left work got in the car and drove up to her town to bring her down to my parents house. I have done so many good things for my sister, but she just gives me stress and anxiety.
My wedding was horrific because of her. I hated planning it. Every time i talked to her about it she just brought up something else that she didn’t like or that didn’t work for her. She didn’t seem to realize it wasn’t her wedding. I was so happy when the wedding was done, not just to be married, but so that i didn’t have to deal with my sister any more.
Then i struggled with infertility and it took me over 2 years to get pregnant. She kept comparing my lack of ability to get pregnant with her wanting another child but her husband not. She said it was just as hard. Instead of holding her own daughter closer she was a martyr to the fact that she had to be worse off then me.
Then on Christmas day she asked me if we still wanted her daughter’s baby stuff as they wanted to get rid of it and didn’t want to wait anymore to see if i was going to have a baby (they didn’t say that in so many words, but that was what they meant). THANK GOD i had literally just found out i was pregnant (although i hadn’t told them yet as it was still risky) as that would have DESTROYED me. To ask me that on Christmas, a day for children? what is wrong with her????
Then our mum let it slip that my sister was bad mouthing me behind my back, saying i was doing things all wrong with my baby (4 months old at the time). I stewed over it for hours and then spoke to my mum and asked her to not ever tell me if she says bad things about me again as it does nothing positive and doesn’t help me or Baby A in any way. My mum didn’t know what to do as we don’t generally talk in my family much less ask others to respect our feelings.
So i get stressed of this shit and can’t handle her being so rude and mean and i feel like i should say something. Like i should ask her what is going on, why hasn’t she called, why hasn’t she said anything about the pictures of Baby A?
And then i sit back and think, why bother? She adds no positive aspect to my life (aside from free baby stuff – which i can certainly do without!). She just drags me down and makes me feel bad about everything.
The only thing that makes me want to mend things is her daughter. I love that little girl so much and it physically pains me to not get to talk to her. I know my sister will bad mouth me and my husband in front of her if we aren’t there to prove her wrong. That poor little girl needs love and support and i just don’t feel she gets it unconditionally.
But i don’t think my sister deserves to be in Baby A’s life.
I don’t know what to do. We are seeing the family this weekend and i feel like confronting her, but at the same time i don’t because i don’t know what craziness she will come out with and i don’t know if it is worth it.
And don’t get me started about my parents. They seem to have jumped right on the crazy bandwagon with her. It makes me doubt myself every now and then. Am i the crazy one? I know logically i am not, but man people can mess with your heads so easily.
ugh. what to do.
(Originally posted on wittymum.wordpress.com on May 2/12)
Random gripes
So here are a few things that drive me crazy that i may elaborate on in the future when i have time:
- Husbands/Spouses/people in general. Why are they so freaking messy? why walk by the coat rack and not hang up your coat? Why just throw it on the living room floor as a tripping hazard? And a follow up to that why, oh why, does he leave his guitar at the top/bottom of the stairs. F*#K!!!!! drives. me. insane.
- While on the subject of Husbands/Spouses/people in general…why do they like to read what you are typing/reading on your computer? Every time i pull out our laptop my husband shimmies over so he can see what i am reading. WTF?!?!?!!? do i do that to you? NO! So smarten up, it is not ok!!
- My theory on babies being basically the same as drunk and or stoned adults. ”whoa when did my hand get SOOO big? look at my fingers moving all around…whoa….the texture on that pillow is intense….”
- bad drivers
- politicians
- psychotic family members
- birds (yep, i said it)
- judgy people. I know that means i am being judgy about them just by saying that, but why do people think they have the right to make assumptions about you and tell you how to do every little thing in your life? if i want to eat processed food sometimes f*#k you i am allowed to! this phenomenon gets much worse when you have a child, and i am sure i will get there eventually
Well that is a start. And there are oh so many more.
Peace out
(note to self – add people who say “Peace out” to the list…)
(Originally posted on http://wittymum.wordpress.com on May 2, 2012)
Learning to sleep
Sleep training. Not fun.
So as you can guess from my name i have a child. A beautiful baby daughter actually. Baby A is fantastic and amazing and we waited long and hard for her to come along. But i will get into that another time.
She is 7.5 months old and since she was very little has had some issues with sleep. Not major issues as once she turned 3.5 months old she started sleeping through the night.
8-9 hours people. it was fantastic.
And we didn’t do anything special, she is not a wonder baby and we are not wonder parents, it just kinda happened.
However for her naps she couldn’t fall asleep on her own and wouldn’t let me put her down, so that meant me holding her in my arms to sleep 5 – 6 times a day for 30 – 60 minutes at a time. craziness.
She is starting day care in August (don’t even get me started or my laptop will burn out from the tears) so i figured it was good to teach her how to have naps in her own crib.
So far she has done AMAZING!! like super amazing. We enlisted the help of a sleep doula who is basically a baby whisperer that emails and calls you with techniques to try and offers moral support. In some ways i feel it was a waste of money because from the first day following her advice A has slept through the night for 12 hours. The reason i feel it is a waste of money is if i had just had the balls to try and put her down earlier this might have happened without the doula, but what can you do? She also instructed me on A’s food patterns and when to feed her, and what (not specifically, but food vs bottle etc).
The only problem we are still having is naps. A goes down fine for them, but sometimes won’t nap the whole hour. Apparently if this happens we are supposed to “train” her to sleep longer. that is horrible. I can barely stand it, but apparently it will get better soon. I certainly hope so! (NOTE - And it did in just a week or so. No tears at all now!).
She does seem more rested and honestly having her in bed by 7:30 every night is great. I can get stuff done and have time and energy to spend with my husband.
I almost forgot what he looked like.
Moral of the story: don’t wait. If you think your child is ready i would suggest giving them a try at sleep training. I wish i had done it sooner (but who knows if she would have been ready then). It is amazing the difference we have seen in a week! And if you are not comfortable going it on your own then hire some help. It isn’t that expensive and it is an investment in your future and your sanity.
(Originally posted on wittymum.wordpress.com on April 24/12)
Hello!
Ok, here i am.
I started a blog on word press, but decided to move over to blogspot because that's where all the cool kids are. I am going to import the few blog entries i wrote there to this site.
Just had a rough week and now i am going to get it all out there.
I am a 34 year old mum of 1 beautiful little girl.
I have Fibromyalgia, PCOS, a depressed husband, a crazy family and many other things wrong with me. but i am not done yet. because i have a lot right with me too, and i need to be a good, positive influence on my baby, and hopefully future children.
Well this is short but sweet, but i promise i will be back very soon.
thanks for reading.
I started a blog on word press, but decided to move over to blogspot because that's where all the cool kids are. I am going to import the few blog entries i wrote there to this site.
Just had a rough week and now i am going to get it all out there.
I am a 34 year old mum of 1 beautiful little girl.
I have Fibromyalgia, PCOS, a depressed husband, a crazy family and many other things wrong with me. but i am not done yet. because i have a lot right with me too, and i need to be a good, positive influence on my baby, and hopefully future children.
Well this is short but sweet, but i promise i will be back very soon.
thanks for reading.
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