vd

I deserve an effing medal for getting through today. Instead I have been kicked, hit, pee'd and poo'd on. F this, I need some wine! Bedtime can't come soon enough.
As per the quote on fb
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Vodka is cheaper then dinner for two

Cheers and happy valentine's day

where have I been?

Wow. So much to say.  First of all it has been like a year and a half since I last wrote, and my last post was about a miscarriage, that wasn't. Turned out I was pregnant all along and now have a lovely 8 month old girl.  V gets along wonderfully with A and life keeps chugging along.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have my 2 little girls in my life, although having kids has almost cost me my marriage.  

My husband is being good now, but man when #2 arrived things were horrible.  Like almost packed my bags and took off with the girls in the middle of the night horrible.  He treated me and them like shit and didn't see it.

But the last few months have been good.  I am home for a few more months then back to work, which i think will be better this time.  I was so devastated to go back to work after having A, but she did amazing in daycare and showed me that it is OK, she is OK, we are OK.

These kids have already taught me so much.  I just hope I can return the favour.

chemical what?

So hubby and i have been trying for about 6 months to get pregnant.  It took 2.5 years to get pregnant last time, and i assumed it would take a long time again. I have been seeing my endo for 2 months to get my hormones back on track and get back on my medications.  She gave me blood work to do at certain times of my cycles (if i get to them).
So i went this week to have blood work done at peak plus 17, even though i was 97.5% sure i wasn't pregnant. Well tonight i had a call from my endo to tell me i had a positive HCG test, but that the numbers were so low it wasn't sustainable.  I didn't fully understand so she told me that i had had an early miscarriage or what doctors call a chemical pregnancy.
I am numb.  I am sad, but don't know fully how to feel.  I feel like i should be sadder.  I have been so overwhelmingly sad the past few weeks with my daughter going to daycare and me going back to work that i have been crying every day.  I got a bit teary on the phone with my endo, but have pretty much held it together since.  Although i do feel like i am in shock. I just feel numb more then anything else.  It's like my brain and my heart just can't handle any more.  I am sure when i actually process this i will grieve, but it just feels surreal right now.
Oh and to top it off tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  Normally i don't care about age, but with trying to get pregnant it is a fairly scary milestone.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So hubby decided to "help out" for the first time in FOREVER!!!
He consistently tells me that he doesn't remember how to do anything and that is why he can't help.  So when he does try and help and does things that are wrong (i know that sounds judgy but it is important to me that my daughters dishes are sterilized properly and not hand dried with a gross tea towel!) and i tell him that they need to be done differently he gets super frustrated.
What, am i supposed to give him a friggin medal just because he makes an effort?  Even if that effort means i have to do it all again later in a more time consuming way then if it was done right the first time?  If he had just asked the question i could have quickly told him how to do it the correct way.  The way it has been done every single day for the last 6 months, if he had been paying ANY attention....

overwhelmed

So its been a while.  A long month or so of prepping Baby A for daycare, prepping me for back to work and trying to hold up the shattered remains of my family life.
Baby A started daycare part time and so far is doing ok, except not sleeping.  I still cry every day when i drop her off, but she for the most part is good.  This week will be hard as i am putting her in for 4 days.  heartbreaking :( .
My family have been pretty sucky.  Didn't call to wish me luck about Baby A's daycare, even when i had been sobbing on the phone with my mum the week before. Just in general being shitty people.  My sister is still for all intents and purposes not speaking to me.  Still haven't figured out how i have "wronged" her, but i am sure i did something horribly wrong in her eyes. Husband is losing his mind and slowly dragging me down with him.  he doesn't understand how hard all of this is for me to deal with. Friends seem to be getting sick of my constant negativity (and i don't blame them).  Every time i talk to them now it is about something shitty going on in my life.  Have been trying to figure out a part time back to work option but that doesn't seem to be working out either.  Which might be a blessing as hubby will likely be taking a mental health sabbatical, so we really need my money.  Not that i don't need my own mental health sabbatical!  I am clearly not strong enough to do everything for everyone!!
And i have ended my therapy sessions.  Not great timing, but with going back to work there won't be time to do it.
I feel like i am losing it and my eye twitch is making a comeback.
So why did i call this blog wittymum again?  I swear i used to be witty and i will be one day in the future, just too much to deal with right now.

nausea

Just got off the phone from the daycare planning Baby A's first day and burst into tears.

How the hell am i supposed to actually leave her there? This sucks even more then i ever thought it could.

frustration

Have you ever wanted to literally step in someone else's shoes and get them to do what they should already be doing?
My husband is a great guy.  We were friends for years before we dated, and dated for years before we married.  Throughout most of this time he has had depression.  Like serious depression.
I have supported him financially, emotionally, physically and mentally through this time. And i am starting to get to the end of my rope.  His depression has seemed to get worse after our daughter was born and a few weeks ago he was making some fairly serious threats to hurt himself.
I have asked him so many times to go for therapy (he is in a waiting line for a psychiatrist and on medication at the moment, but won't try anything else). I gave him the website of a clinic that has therapists that meet right by his work and i also gave him a crisis hotline so he could call a professional if he was having those feelings. I even suggested we go straight to the emergency room to see if they would admit him, but nothing.
He has finally called the therapists and is sort of in the process of figuring that out. But i doubt he will follow through unless i force him too.
I can't even look him in the eye right now. It sounds horrible and selfish but i am just so hurt by his recent comments.  He not only said he would kill himself and leave me and out daughter alone because we "would be better off without him", but he also said we shouldn't have any more babies since he didn't want to pass along the depression gene.  If you have read any of my other entries you know we are trying to have another baby. Like the night he made his threats we should have been having sex as it was my peak night.  
I am just so hurt. In addition to the fear of losing him and living with that the rest of my life and the rest of Baby A's life, the one thing i have wanted and worked so hard for and he would take that away.  I keep telling him to try alternative therapies to help with his depression, but he doesn't even bother.  He says he has tried everything (which he certainly has not).  
I just said to him that i think that is bullshit.  Especially once you have a kid.  You have to keep trying and trying and fight every second of every day to feel better.  That is what i do.
His father had depression and his mother left when they had been married for 25 years.  I never understood how she could leave her husband and her children.  But now i am starting to get it a bit more (although i would never leave my kids.  Not for anything. But I would take her/them with me if it got that horrendous).
He is just stagnating.  Not finishing school, not looking for a job, not even talking to his boss to confirm the end date of his current contract so we know when we no longer have money coming in.  He doesn't get it, and it is literally going to destroy my life.
Again i know i sound selfish, but it is the reality of the situation.  If he doesn't get help, or let me help him get help, then we are fucked.